Irrationality

Here we go again, I'm falling for you alll over again when I know I shouldn't be. But I can't let anyone else have you, you are mine. You are a part of me, in a sense. "Do you know what it is to be a lover? Half of a whole?" Inception is a mind twisting movie that has recently become an obsession of thought. This movie can be interpreted millions of ways, but this part has occupied my mind lately. For those who haven't seen the movie, Mal is Cobb's wife. She died because her belief of another world, and the belief that the world she was living in is not real. So she resorted to killing herself, believing she thought she would now live in another world. Cobb then resorts to living his reality in his dreams. He continuously travels back into his memories with her to somehow recreate her and pretend she still exists. He will do anything to be with her. As crazy as it seems, I can completely understand where he is coming from. When you find love, it is irreplaceable. No matter how irrational it seems, you would put nothing before it. Not even reality itself. Even if you had to live in a dream with a self-created version of your other half, then you would do so. Fortunately, he finally realizes that he is destroying his life, that he can't do that anymore, and that he has to live in the reality that has happened. "I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go." Love can make you or it can break you. Love is so powerful that you will do anything and everything to be with that one person, your soul mate. Following your head, not your heart, will get you further in life. Everyone knows this, but is it really worth it in the end?

Finding myself.

Every day that passes, I am further defining myself and who the world perceives me as. Not just who the world perceives me as, but who I see myself as. I, to this day, do not know who I am. I don't know who I want to be or what I want to do with life. I can put on a smile and come off as someone who has everything figured out, but nobody knows how much of a maze my mind truly is. Nobody can truly figure me out, not even myself. You know how most people say that there are "cliques" that everyone fits into, well if that's true then I am part of every clique out there. Judge me if you want, but I could give a shit less. I have learned not to give one fuck what anyone thinks because nobody truly knows. Honestly, you never truly know about anyone. You can take one look at a person and come up with all kinds of notions about them, when in reality, they could be someone completely different, maybe even someone like you. I guess that's just part of life, finding yourself. Maybe you find out mid life, or at the end of your human life, or maybe you never truly find out. We'll alll just have to wait and see.

The end.

Have you ever thought about how you would kill yourself? Yeah, nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to hear about how depressed you are and how much you life sucks, but I'm gonna write about it. I would kill myself by overdosing on pills. I haven't done my research just yet, but if I was going to, I would find something that would just fuck me up til i fell asleep and just never woke up. Sounds drastic, but is it really? I believe in Heaven, so maybe I would just be doing myself and everyone around me a favor if I just went up and straight killed myself. You don't know how many times I've thought about it, but it just seems to permanent. Once you do it, there's no turning back. No second chances. But life is just so difficult. It really is. All I will ever have out of life is my sister, and even we fight. I have put myself out there and given my all and failed miserably with the one I thought I loved. When I finally try and get past that, my own mom won't talk to me and doesn't even want me to come home. Nobody wants me, so what's the point? I just want a second chance. I just want to restart my entire life, and maybe things will turn out right then. But nobody ever knows, so what's one to do? Hell if I know. I don't want to keep living day by day, wondering what shit life is going to throw at me next. I want to know everything's going to be okay, that everything will turn out right at the end of the day. Yes, I try to be optimistic. But I just want to know. I want to know what is going to happen, what purpose my life is going to have. But I will never know. What is the end? When is it coming? Who can answer my questions? Nobody. Nobody can.

Optimism

I have decided to be optimistic about life. Next summer I will be 17, and I will be able to do whatever i wanttttt <3 if i want to actually stay in town and hang out with friends and have a normal summer, guess what? My mom won't be able to tell me that I can't, or stop me like she has this summer. Life may be a bitch, and it may suck more than it ever has before. I may be in a somewhat depression, but i'm going to look to the future and be optimistic. Everything will turn out good in the end, right? I hope to God it does. That's all that keeps me going now. I just have to have faith that God will get me through this rough spot in my life, and that everything will be alright. That's about alll i got for ya right now, peacee bloggers. hahaha

All alone.

I am deprived from the kind of life any normal person should have. My dad left when i was four, abused drugs & my mom. He left, and I haven't seen him in god knows how long. He doesn't even care about us enough to even visit, much less pay child support. I'm not good enough. I have never been in sports, extracurricular activities, or been talented in any kind of way. I'm not good enough. I try the hardest that i can to achieve what i want out of life, but it's never good enough. I poured my heart & soul out and gave everything i have to who i thought was the love of my life and got screwed over. I wasn't good enough. Even through all the pain, I still tried to work things out, but I wasn't good enough. My mom never sees the good in me, she wants me to just be away forever. I'm not good enough. No matter what I do, no matter how many times i prove that what i have done wrong is a mistake and i understand that; no matter how long i am good and behave myself, she will never forgive me for the things you would expect any teenager to do. I am never good enough. I thought I had a best friend for years, but somehow or another she forgot about me. I'm not good enough. I have only truly been able to talk to and relate to one person to my recollection, but he is gone out of my life. Not a lover, not anything to that extent, just what i would call a best friend. He could understand me and give me advice and i could easily do the same for him, and i thought he genuinely cared about me. But of course, I'm not good enough even for a best friend. My own sister, who i feel is the closest i have to a friend, doesn't seem to care about me. All she does is put me down. I know nothing about what she is feeling, which i know now is somewhat hatred. Once again, I am never good enough. I'm alone in this cold, deceiving, manipulating world, with nobody to endure it with. I need someone to talk to, to appreciate who i am, to understand me, i need a best friend, a lover, anybody. Please be my somebody.

A new beginning.

Things are beginning to look up. I think I know the way to go: Away from him, and towards something new. This is how my happiness will begin. A new story, a new beginning, a new life without you, and I can't wait for it to start. I feel freeee like a bird, without anyone to hold me down. My life is peaceful & finally good once again. I have come to terms with what we had, and I know it is over. I hope you think about me every once in a while, every time you hear a country love song or when you find little reminders of me throughout your life. Goodbye to you, and hello to my new beginning.<3

A hot shower

To most, a shower is where most of your thoughts occur. To me, however, it is a place to get away. With each hot drop of water, you seem to dissolve away a little more. Away into a world where there are no cares, no worries, just absentmindedness. The heat causes my stress to be stripped away, to somehow vanish with the steam. For me, in that world, it is impossible to cry. It is impossible to hurt, to feel pain. Sometimes I wish I could just stay in that world forever. No more pain, just the constant flow of hot water on your body to, in a sense, numb you. Even if i tried to think, to cry, to feel, I simply couldn't. A hot shower is simply the closest to bliss I can feel without the intoxication of other things. A hot shower, to me, is simplicity at its finest.